March 9, 2012. Final Writeup.

All records are written in this blog; dates may not be exact but are similar to when they were written as I didn't always write the date on each journal entry.

My initial behaivour was beating myself down, saying negative things to myself and staying in negative relationships and situations because I was afraid of change. Today I walked into O-Sho's and sat down for a meal by myself and didn't even think about if people were wondering why I was there alone or what they were thinking because I just didn't care; that is huge for me. I never would have been brave enough to do that a month ago. My anxiety would have taken over me with questions of "what if" and negative feelings but not this time; not today. Today I just enjoyed my food and got homework done. Yay!

I planned to accomplish my goals of feeling more positive, trying to get rid of the negative "voice" in my head and feeling a sense of calm and peace in my life by getting rid of negative thoughts by overwhelming them with positive ones, by ridding my life of negative situations and people and by trying new things and being more confident in myself.

I faced the hurdle of every day life when trying to reach my goal because every day every person has struggles, big and small, whether they realize them or not and it was my goal to listen to, identify my problems and deal with them. It's hard learning to listen to yourself but worth the time invested in it. I'm worth investing the time, and so are you.

I accomplished my goals day by day, and it still is an everyday struggle. Every day someone says something to me or I say something to myself that isn't good and it beats down my self esteem, and old me held onto those negative words and had a struggle letting go. I still have that struggle but it isn't as prominent and dominant in my life as it used to be.

I'm going to make my changes permanent by keeping up this thought process long after this assignment, this course, my education is done. I'm going to do that by being self aware and aware of the peoples attitudes around me. I try to combat negativity wherever I see it, be it in my friends or in strangers, and this helps with combating my negativity in myself. I think not only will this strengthen my positive thinking, but also bring back the optimistic attitude I lost when I held on to negative situations and people. I'm excited to start getting my life and attitude back!

Thank you for reading and for all your help in developing myself,

Morgan Lencucha (s0132202)

March 7, 2012.

I think this project has given me a plan for success and a reason for change. Through the help of journaling, friends and the conflict assignment, I've come to realize that I can make changes in my life without becoming overcome by the prospect of change. I've learned tools to replace uncertainty with certainty and negativity with positivity. I've made some big life changes over the last four weeks and don't think they would have happened without this project because I wouldn't have had the courage to do anything, but because of this project, I forced myself to make changes so that I'd have something to write about. So thank you, I'll write my final report in the next post.

Morgan

March 5, 2012.

Today I made a big decision that hugely effects my budgeting for each week; I quit carpooling.
I've been thinking about it for a while because of the negative attitudes of my classmates bring me down so much every day. It's hard enough to sit through class with them especially when I can tell that the Lethbridge group was a lot more friendly then my group. I'm trying to build positivity and optimism in myself but these girls that I drove with for about an hour and a half each day, were always talking about negative subjects, negatively about school and just plain negative. I decided that while I couldn't get away from class, I could get some time for myself by driving alone although it adds a ton of gas money to work into my budget each week. I think I've made a good decision, although it does mean I need to get myself motivated by myself every day. That might pose a challenge.

All for now,
Morgan

March 2, 2012

Today I was reminded why it's good to purge many so-so relationships, for a few great ones because today, two of my good friends, Beauty and Staci were complimenting me to the max. I briefly thought of the friends I purged, but forgot about them quickly when I remembered that they never complimented and just made me feel bad about myself. That wasn't the case with these girls. They made me feel great. This is my top feeling day so far. Every bad thought I had, they conquered with a positive one. They gave me some great strategies for combating my negative voice.

Morgan

February 29, 2012

Well, I got a text from 2Faced today and she was not pleased that I didn't know who she was, because I deleted her off my phone the other day. I was hurt and knocked down from some of the things she said, but in the end, I stuck firm and told her I couldn't be friends with her; I just wasn't getting out of the friendship what I wanted. I'm glad we communicated through text because I'm sure I wouldn't be able to have stood my ground if we spoke in person, because she's great at manipulating my feelings. She may be little, but she has a lot more pull in a relationship then me. I cried for hours after that conversation, but I knew that it was the best decision for me.

I still haven't heard from Dust or First, but that's fine with me. That confrontation was hard and I'd rather not go through it again if I don't have to. I've put them out of my mind and I'm happy with my decision; I feel lighter and happier, and now I can scroll through my contacts list and have a smile at every single contact; now that's a great feeling!

Morgan

February 28, 2012

Bret's mom came over today and I spoke to her about this assignment and she made me realize that little voice in my head- everyone has it! They just all describe it in different ways. She thinks of it as her "evil twin." She said it's the religious "devil" at our side; the negativity in all of us trying to bring our positive side down. She said she has also been working on banishing this side of herself from her mind. She said it's fine to have a bit of criticism in your mind because that keeps you on track, but letter that voice take over just isn't fair to yourself and leads to depression.

We started talking about how easily it is to get depressed and let the "bad twin" win when you have a disease; I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis five years ago and she was diagnosed with under active Thyroid disease about 10 years ago. Both of our spouses are sweet, but often work away and it's hard to stay positive without them there, but we were both working on self improvement on our own because how can you be happy with yourself if you aren't happy? Just having others believe in you isn't worth a lot if you don't first have faith in yourself, by yourself. It was very uplifting to know that someone else is in the same boat and, while struggling, is still succeeding. I knew I could succeed too!

I love my almost mother, daughter talks. We are pretty much the same person. I'm glad I'm working on myself now instead of waiting 30 years like she has but I'm still proud of her.

xo Morgan

February 22, 2012

I know I know, you should leave electronics behind when going on vacation, and just relax in the motion, but times are a changing and I brought my phone with me. Of course, I had it on airplane mode the entire time because I can't afford to pay the long distance costs on it if it were roaming and searching for a signal. But I'm using it for an alarm. Regardless, somehow I got looking on my contacts list and I started getting upset because some of the names reminded me of people that I'm on the outs with, that I only fight with and/or that only bring negative thoughts into my mind. So I made up my mind then and there and deleted three people, let's call them Dust, 2Faced and First this stands for the 'another one bites the dust' girl of one of my first posts, a manipulative girl who used to live with me, and my first love who I'll always have a soft spot for but who always tries and succeeds to manipulate my feelings about him in his favor and my failure. So I deleted them all and didn't think twice about it. Seconds after, it felt like an actual 100 pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders; I felt so light. I literally just floated down the stairs and went swimming in the ocean... I feel great! What a great decision.

xo Mo

February 20, 2012

I woke up this morning, put on my glasses and thought "ew." My skin was red and blotchy, I had 3 white heads, my skin was dry from the flight (to Mexico, yay!) Then it dawned on me. I'm in Mexico! Why worry so much? Then I thought, uh oh, Mexico means bathing suits. So I squeeze myself into one and looked at all my flaws; flabby thighs, dimpled bum, fat overhanging, white skin, pock marked skin, acne scars, rosacea, and fat hanging around my jaw. Definitely not the vintage bathing beauty I thought of looking like when I had put it on. Then I caught myself; what was the use of beating myself down? So I started to find the positives of myself; long lean limbs, long shiny hair, big shining blue eyes, pouty lips, long slender hands, strong legs... when my sweet boyfriend came in the door and told me I looked, breathily, "gorgeous." This brought tears to my eyes and I washed my face, put on some tinted moisturizer and some lotion and strutted out the door. I didn't even blink when I saw a much thinner girl wearing the same bathing suit as I had on in a different colour because I knew I had things that were beautiful about my body that she was likely jealous of, and I knew my boyfriend thought I was the prettiest girl on that beach because he squeezed my hand and kissed me on the cheek. This is going to be a great week!

Having fun in the sun,
Mo

February 27, 2012

A few months ago, I skimmed a book called "The Secret" in which the basic principle is a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts; you send positive thoughts out into the universe and get everything your heart desires. However, if you send negative thoughts, even things you didn't intend to be negative (i.e. I not going to crash- "not" and "crash" being the negative words), you will fail. Some positive thoughts would be, "I'm doing well on this midterm," "I'm a smart beautiful person," "I will succeed at life." Some negative thoughts would be, "I'm not going to crash," "I will fail," I'm not a fun person." See the difference? Of course, me like almost everyone else who reads the book before seeing it coming true in their own life, thought it was crazy. I tried it out for a few days but then gave up and forgot about it.

Just before the start of this assignment, my boyfriend, Bret, told me that he had watched "The Secret" on Netflix and he was all about optimism. He went on and on about it, and being as I was usually the optimistic one, I knew I had to change my ways. A few days later, I started this assignment, and after deleting the bad people out of my phone, a great thing happened that made me truly believe in The Secret.

Not long after I re-became friends with Dust and 2Faced, I lost my best and second closest friend. We'll call her Beauty. I've been devastated about it ever since; I've been trying to think of a way to become friends with her again ever since. I was a different person when I was friends with Dust and 2Faced and I was ashamed to try to speak to Beauty again.

Well, after deleting Dust and 2Faced out of my phone, it's like fate just happened. I was getting a late bite to eat from Shoppers, and of course had to stop in at their beauty boutique because I love that place and I've pretty much visited it 3x a week since it opened. I'd oddly never seen Beauty til that day. It was pretty awkward when she asked me if I needed help and then gasped when she recognized me. I told her she could help the other customers and I'd just look around. I was so excited but so nervous! She was perfectly made up s always and I looked tired and ragged after a full 8 hours of school and homework. Regardless, I hung around. Then I went "duh" and said to myself, we were best friends for years- she doesn't give a crap about what I look like! This was definitely a sign, right?

She finished up quite quickly and came over to me. Then a miracle happened; we talked for 5 hours- from 5pm, til 10pm when the store closed. We quickly exchanged phone numbers and I hope to talk to her again soon. During our long talk, we realized that it was very odd that we hadn't seen each other as she worked every day during the week since the store had opened. I guess I just wasn't emotionally "ready" to see her until that day; it's the secret in action! I got rid of negative friendships and found a positive one I'd been missing since I introduced the negativity into my life.

Mo

February 17, 2012

Today started great! I was in line for Starbucks counting on the change needed for a grande triple iced caramel machiatto with soy, when I pulled up to the window and found out that the person in front of me bought my purchase. It's called "the good deeds movement" I think. So I put $10 toward the person behind my cars bill. It made me feel good inside that they would get a great feeling like I did when my purchase was paid for me. It made me feel really great to know I was passing great feelings along. I didn't think any negative thoughts that entire day. I think I learned a new secret to getting rid of that "voice." (Wow. The more I say that, the crazier it sounds. I'm not crazy though! Promise.)

xo Mo

February 15, 2012

Well, today was a bad day. I always have these days when I'm trying to make a change. I start all jacked up about something new or different, then a few days later, I start to doubt myself. That happened today. I was worried about finishing things on time, thinking I didn't look good, critisizing my clothes. Then I thought, "stop." Crazy thing is? I did. I made a plan to get my homework done, put on some makeup and brushed my hair and threw a load of laundry in the dishwasher. I felt a lot better so I went on with my day with a smile on my face.

Yay!

February 13, 2012

Bum bum bum chhh another one bites the dust....

Okay. Let me explain. I've had a friend since grade 6 who has always been an on again off again friend. Now we are off, and this time it's for good. I outlined our initial fight in my Assignment 4: Conflict Project. I can't stand the arguing and negativity anymore. She's still on my phone contact list and my Facebook "friends" but I'll change that in the next few weeks.

Also, today I woke up, looked in the mirror and thought, "Ew. My face is full of zits and I am not attractive at all." Then I started looking at other flaws... my under groomed brows, the extra weight I've put on, and just felt horrible. Then I paused... what use was this? If I wanted more groomed brows, why not just wax them? If I wanted to lose weight, go for a walk. Beating myself up about it is such a useless activity. So I stopped, put on some coverup, and left with a smile on my face.
At the Starbucks drive through, the man in front of me paid for my order. Now that's good karma.

All for now,
Morgan

Behavior

The behavior I want to change is the negativity I feel and project toward myself. Stop negative "self talk"... the little voice inside your head who tells you what you can't do, how you don't stack up and why you're just not good enough. That little voice is getting on my nerves. It needs to stop and give me my head back. Man, as I'm writing this, I realize just how crazy I sound, but we all have that little voice that is just the negative aspect of our personality trying to make us fail.. I'm done with you, voice!

Right now, if I don't do something I say I'm going to or fail at something, I beat myself up. That's not fair. I should take responsibility for my actions, but I shouldn't beat myself up about them. I also have times where I feel really bad about the way I look or what friends I keep. I don't choose the best friendships, as a general rule, and I need to get rid of the bad relationships in my life and focus on me and my true friends. I was a beauty adviser at The Hudson's Bay Company for over a year and it was instilled in me there that outward beauty was the most important thing. I know that's not true, but it's always at the back of my mind. I love playing around with new makeup, hair and nail styles but I always look my best outwardly when I feel great inwardly, and that's what I'm going to focus on in this blog.

I plan on changing this one day at a time. I'm going to work on it by every time I get a negative thought, I will try to conquer it with a positive one. Also, I want to work on having a better self imagine, which I think goes hand in hand with conquering negative thought.

How I'll change:
-combat every negative thought with a positive one
-replace uncertainty and doubt with certainty
-whenever I feel bad about myself for some reason, do something to change that bad feeling
-rid my life of situations/ people that are negative influences

Goals:
-feel more positive
-try to get rid of negative "voice in head"
-feel a sense of calm and peace

I've been keeping a journal at home about my experiences and will post them into this blog with the dates I wrote them. So don't pay attention to the dates of the posted blog, but rather the date I'll post with the title or in the beginning of each post.

All for now!
Morgan Lencucha