March 9, 2012. Final Writeup.

All records are written in this blog; dates may not be exact but are similar to when they were written as I didn't always write the date on each journal entry.

My initial behaivour was beating myself down, saying negative things to myself and staying in negative relationships and situations because I was afraid of change. Today I walked into O-Sho's and sat down for a meal by myself and didn't even think about if people were wondering why I was there alone or what they were thinking because I just didn't care; that is huge for me. I never would have been brave enough to do that a month ago. My anxiety would have taken over me with questions of "what if" and negative feelings but not this time; not today. Today I just enjoyed my food and got homework done. Yay!

I planned to accomplish my goals of feeling more positive, trying to get rid of the negative "voice" in my head and feeling a sense of calm and peace in my life by getting rid of negative thoughts by overwhelming them with positive ones, by ridding my life of negative situations and people and by trying new things and being more confident in myself.

I faced the hurdle of every day life when trying to reach my goal because every day every person has struggles, big and small, whether they realize them or not and it was my goal to listen to, identify my problems and deal with them. It's hard learning to listen to yourself but worth the time invested in it. I'm worth investing the time, and so are you.

I accomplished my goals day by day, and it still is an everyday struggle. Every day someone says something to me or I say something to myself that isn't good and it beats down my self esteem, and old me held onto those negative words and had a struggle letting go. I still have that struggle but it isn't as prominent and dominant in my life as it used to be.

I'm going to make my changes permanent by keeping up this thought process long after this assignment, this course, my education is done. I'm going to do that by being self aware and aware of the peoples attitudes around me. I try to combat negativity wherever I see it, be it in my friends or in strangers, and this helps with combating my negativity in myself. I think not only will this strengthen my positive thinking, but also bring back the optimistic attitude I lost when I held on to negative situations and people. I'm excited to start getting my life and attitude back!

Thank you for reading and for all your help in developing myself,

Morgan Lencucha (s0132202)

March 7, 2012.

I think this project has given me a plan for success and a reason for change. Through the help of journaling, friends and the conflict assignment, I've come to realize that I can make changes in my life without becoming overcome by the prospect of change. I've learned tools to replace uncertainty with certainty and negativity with positivity. I've made some big life changes over the last four weeks and don't think they would have happened without this project because I wouldn't have had the courage to do anything, but because of this project, I forced myself to make changes so that I'd have something to write about. So thank you, I'll write my final report in the next post.

Morgan

March 5, 2012.

Today I made a big decision that hugely effects my budgeting for each week; I quit carpooling.
I've been thinking about it for a while because of the negative attitudes of my classmates bring me down so much every day. It's hard enough to sit through class with them especially when I can tell that the Lethbridge group was a lot more friendly then my group. I'm trying to build positivity and optimism in myself but these girls that I drove with for about an hour and a half each day, were always talking about negative subjects, negatively about school and just plain negative. I decided that while I couldn't get away from class, I could get some time for myself by driving alone although it adds a ton of gas money to work into my budget each week. I think I've made a good decision, although it does mean I need to get myself motivated by myself every day. That might pose a challenge.

All for now,
Morgan

March 2, 2012

Today I was reminded why it's good to purge many so-so relationships, for a few great ones because today, two of my good friends, Beauty and Staci were complimenting me to the max. I briefly thought of the friends I purged, but forgot about them quickly when I remembered that they never complimented and just made me feel bad about myself. That wasn't the case with these girls. They made me feel great. This is my top feeling day so far. Every bad thought I had, they conquered with a positive one. They gave me some great strategies for combating my negative voice.

Morgan

February 29, 2012

Well, I got a text from 2Faced today and she was not pleased that I didn't know who she was, because I deleted her off my phone the other day. I was hurt and knocked down from some of the things she said, but in the end, I stuck firm and told her I couldn't be friends with her; I just wasn't getting out of the friendship what I wanted. I'm glad we communicated through text because I'm sure I wouldn't be able to have stood my ground if we spoke in person, because she's great at manipulating my feelings. She may be little, but she has a lot more pull in a relationship then me. I cried for hours after that conversation, but I knew that it was the best decision for me.

I still haven't heard from Dust or First, but that's fine with me. That confrontation was hard and I'd rather not go through it again if I don't have to. I've put them out of my mind and I'm happy with my decision; I feel lighter and happier, and now I can scroll through my contacts list and have a smile at every single contact; now that's a great feeling!

Morgan

February 28, 2012

Bret's mom came over today and I spoke to her about this assignment and she made me realize that little voice in my head- everyone has it! They just all describe it in different ways. She thinks of it as her "evil twin." She said it's the religious "devil" at our side; the negativity in all of us trying to bring our positive side down. She said she has also been working on banishing this side of herself from her mind. She said it's fine to have a bit of criticism in your mind because that keeps you on track, but letter that voice take over just isn't fair to yourself and leads to depression.

We started talking about how easily it is to get depressed and let the "bad twin" win when you have a disease; I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis five years ago and she was diagnosed with under active Thyroid disease about 10 years ago. Both of our spouses are sweet, but often work away and it's hard to stay positive without them there, but we were both working on self improvement on our own because how can you be happy with yourself if you aren't happy? Just having others believe in you isn't worth a lot if you don't first have faith in yourself, by yourself. It was very uplifting to know that someone else is in the same boat and, while struggling, is still succeeding. I knew I could succeed too!

I love my almost mother, daughter talks. We are pretty much the same person. I'm glad I'm working on myself now instead of waiting 30 years like she has but I'm still proud of her.

xo Morgan

February 22, 2012

I know I know, you should leave electronics behind when going on vacation, and just relax in the motion, but times are a changing and I brought my phone with me. Of course, I had it on airplane mode the entire time because I can't afford to pay the long distance costs on it if it were roaming and searching for a signal. But I'm using it for an alarm. Regardless, somehow I got looking on my contacts list and I started getting upset because some of the names reminded me of people that I'm on the outs with, that I only fight with and/or that only bring negative thoughts into my mind. So I made up my mind then and there and deleted three people, let's call them Dust, 2Faced and First this stands for the 'another one bites the dust' girl of one of my first posts, a manipulative girl who used to live with me, and my first love who I'll always have a soft spot for but who always tries and succeeds to manipulate my feelings about him in his favor and my failure. So I deleted them all and didn't think twice about it. Seconds after, it felt like an actual 100 pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders; I felt so light. I literally just floated down the stairs and went swimming in the ocean... I feel great! What a great decision.

xo Mo